Handle with Care

I was sitting at the table writing in my journal. All I needed to finish my literary masterpiece was a picture to go with the story of my day. I was young, maybe 8 or 9 and my mum stopped what she was doing and became my illustrator. She drew exactly what I wanted. It was only a simple picture, but I marveled at her skill "Is there anything she can't do?" I wondered in amazement as I relished in the moment she so willingly gave me. 

Sometimes I wonder if my children really feel loved. We talk often of love and exchange affections, but do they know deep down? Do I really show them with my actions that I absolutely mean the words I speak?  

A few months ago Jasmin said to me, "Sometimes you are a mean mummy, but mostly, you are just a lovely mother". I laughed at her innocence, and was glad that to her 5 year old self, I was mostly lovely. But since then, I have thought deeply about the occasional 'mean mum'.

I saw this picture about a year ago as I was frantically preparing to leave Australia. Chad was already overseas and my memory of those days are now a blur of wrangling raising children, filling out forms, and getting horrid immunisations every other week (so we could survive the environment of our pending new home).
 
When I saw the picture, it literally stopped me in my tracks. Handle them with care. The words that came to my mind, and have now, many times returned.

I need to be those hands that gently cradle my children and lift them up. That doesn't mean children are given free range, with no consequences. It just means they are handled with care. Nurtured and loved even in difficult moments.

While I think children can be far more resilient than we give them credit for sometimes, I also believe they are such fragile little beings. As a mother, they rely on me for so much and while I thrive knowing that I hold this sacred role, sometimes I worry. Is what I do enough? Am I kind enough? Do they know just how much I adore them? When was the last time I lay in bed with xx and chatted and made them relish in that moment that I so willingly gave them?

Sometimes, after asking different children over and over to get their jobs done kindly, I am not so kind. While I am very very careful with the words I use, it is the tone, and yes, the raised voice - almost yelling - but not quite. In times like this, I am reminded of those words "sometimes you are a mean mummy'. From the mouth of babes.

I only have a few goals this year. One of them is to speak with a calm voice (keep calm and carry on if you will) and to be gentle with my children. I am hyper aware that I set the tone in the home and I need to be the 'calm in the storm'. Not the storm itself!

I've always known that these little souls entrusted to me, need to be handled with care. But as I watch them grow right before my eyes, the fact that I cannot protect them from everything is becoming very apparent. Am I buoying them up enough for what they face outside our home? Will they bounce back from hurt because they know who they are, and how loved they are?

We all have moments where we make mistakes as parents, as people. But the most important part of that process, is what we do once the mistake has been made. How we reconcile, and recommit. And most importantly, looking at those little people and telling them genuinely we are sorry (but please next time, when I ask you kindly, just do it the first time :)!

A piece of my heart

Of all the things we left behind in Sydney. Of all the places and people that we, I, loved dearly. This place holds the biggest piece of my heart. 

'Mother and Child' intertwined. A bond and love that bridges the gap between heaven and earth. 

My first little flower. 

Because I know the spirit of my child and I know the plan God has for us, I know my daughter is not really there. And the closeness I feel to her when we are there, is brought on only by reflection. Deep heart felt reflection as we tell our children the story of her little life that ended as quickly as it began. And we sing the words to 'families are forever' that I cannot finish. 

As I soak in the voices of my family singing what I cannot, I feel of the privilege it is to be a mother and to have given this little spirit the body that she needed for such a short time. 

   

 

But I miss her. And what could have been. And quiet times of meditation take my thoughts to her and connects our spirits that are separated but for a moment.

And while it was important to say goodbye to this place. To our little one whose body resides there. I  know her spirit soars high. And where we go, I have no doubt, that she will go too. 

 

Blink

In an attempt to organise my life more fully, I have been doing the time consuming task of sorting photos from the last couple of years (there are a lot of them!) In doing so, I came across this photo that stopped me in my tracks (and melted my heart, just a little). 

When I look at this picture, I am so grateful that I have this brief snapshot of this moment shared with my girls. 

I look back and I yearn for that chubby baby lying so still in bed next to me. And it was only 2 years ago! Can you imagine how it must feel when it's been even longer? When there are no little people around?

I often hear older, more experienced mothers say, 'One day you will look back on this time and miss it. Desperately! Even the terrible twos. It's hard to remember what they're like when they're little'! When I hear remarks like this, I think, 'I won't forget these days'. How could I? And Chad has expressed similar sentiments!

But just last week we were watching family videos of Rylan and Zahn when they were young and I could hardly remember those little boys that filled my life with such joy! I wanted so desperately to reach into that screen in front of me and lift those precious babies out into my present world and hold onto them as tightly as I could! To kiss their faces and chase them up the hallway. Just one more time.

But that time is gone. 

And just like that nostalgic song says, "It happened in a blink".

How I am trying to savor and record the things that happen around me. The things that melt my heart and send my spirit souring as I raise these children of mine. Little ones that will spend the majority of their lives as adults. And here I am with the privilege of spending these few short years of their childhood with them.

“Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure that you are.”  Mary Jean Irion

Now If I can just figure out how to live presently all the time, It won't really matter if I don't remember every detail of every day. Because I will know that regardless of vivid memories or not. I was there. Really there. Living with my babies and showing them that above all else, they are what mattered to me. 

That time

Of the 3 shifts that make up our day, morning, afternoon and night, I am once again reminded just how important the afternoon shift is. You know that crazy time from about 3:30pm till about 7pm? (If you're a parent, I KNOW you know this time ;)

The crossroads of the day. The time that everyone is returning home and coming together after being apart for the day.

The time that babies are waking up, toddlers are getting cranky, kids are coming home from school. Those hours when everyone seems extra tired, sibling rivalry is at its peak and everyone is quote "starving to death" (seriously If Zahn doesn't get food into his little body asap after school, a meltdown is imminent :)

This is the time that REALLY counts. The time I can't afford to be distracted with 'stuff'. The time I need to be on top of things, because if I'm not, these important hours may not be what they NEED to be.

 

It's the time for listening and REALLY hearing what went on in the day of our kids. Who did what to who and who said what to so and so and who......ok you get the idea. It's the time for hearing things that are important in the minds of our little ones.

The time for reassuring our kids that they are safe and loved in our homes. It's the time for regrouping and catching up after being away from each other. A time to play and laugh and sit together during homework and time to just be together.

When things are organised (and I'm not distracted) this time is what it should be. When things are not organised (and I am distracted)......I think we all know what happens during "those hours" :)

All it took was 1 night out of the last 5 to remind me of this critical time and exactly what it needs to be.

Deliberate

 

While I was sitting with Lily this morning, unlike her usual routine of 'feed, play, sleep', she fell asleep while feeding. Instead of quickly putting her in bed to get things done, I left her there for a minute and enjoyed her little body nestled closely to mine. As I sat there looking at her perfect little face, the thought came to me that my life won't always be like this (not a new thought but one that was particularly strong in the moment). This lovely time I have at home with toddlers and feeding babies won't always be. I got a little teary thinking about just how much I love these little ones of mine and what a privilege it is to be entrusted with them.

Recently my mum said to my sisters and I, "give your time to your babies. You won't regret it". There are SO many things we can fill our time with. So many good things we can involve ourselves in. And that 's where my favourite quote from general conference comes into play.....

"We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best........"

I know that BEST for me right now is being here WITH and FOR my kids (I know I've talked about this before but it's something I think about all.the.time). My kids are growing SO fast and won't always be little and won't always need me. (OK maybe they will always need me a little bit - just like I still need my mum :)

I want my mothering to be deliberate. I want to make conscious choices about how I spend my time and what my days are filled up with. I don't want to look back in 5, 10, 20 years and regret the 'good' things I chose to spend my time on (like being on the computer too much ;).  I know the memories made with my kids, and how they turn out, will be the things I reflect on the most when I'm old and gray and sitting in my rocking chair with Chad on our front porch :) These are the things that will bring me the most joy. Now and 'one day When'.

Missing

You know how you hear people say "oh I kept getting the feeling that 'someone' was missing from our family and that's how I knew I had to have another baby'. Well the last few weeks I have been getting this feeling ALL THE TIME. Infact almost daily.

Everytime I turn around, I think where's ??? and then I realise that all the kids are with me and no-one is missing. When we're 'loading up the car' I get the same feeling. When we're out in the yard. When we're sitting down to eat. When we're watching something together. OK you get the idea. It's all the time.

The other week I was at the shops with my sister and our kids. My 4 kids + her 4 kids.  Yes apparently we are quite the spectacle. (Luckily they were all well behaved. Can you imagine the people looking at us if we had 8 kids running a muck :) And even with all those 'little people' gathered around us as we walked, I STILL had that feeling that someone was missing and I had to keep checking. And this feeling is not just a little thought. It's a 'OH NO where's ??? flicker of panic that ??? could be lost kind of feeling.

After I had Lily, We had said, yeah maybe we're good with 4 babies. 2 boys, 2 girls. Perfect. (and at 2 am in the morning crying in pain while feeding (true story.....ahhh wince at the memory) I had thought - yeah I am DEFINITELY good with 4. Even the thought of being pregnant again makes me feel tired and especially the thought of the first 3 weeks of feeding.

But I can't shake this feeling. Maybe that's why Lily is SUCH a good baby. To help me forget my feeding woes and once again open me up to the possibility of having 'more'. Not necessarily now, but one day.

For now though, I am content with my four and so enjoying the loveliness that is Lily. Jazzy on the other hand, oh my. I love that girl to PIECES but. what can I say. It's been a while since I've had a 2 year old and my my my how the drama of this girl is unfolding. hahaha. luckily I love her sweet-chubbiness to death otherwise we would be in trouble :)

and now I'm looking at her cute little face in this picture and I am putty in her hands........hahaha ;)

Believe

"I too believe that God will always make a way where there is no way. I believe that if we will walk in obedience to the commandments of God, if we will follow the counsel of the priesthood, he will open a way even where there appears to be no way."

Gordon B. Hinckley

6 years ago I wondered If I would ever have another baby. I had just lost a baby girl a little over half way through a pregnancy with complications relating to the baby and myself. 9 months later after lots of preparation I was having another baby and we were again told there were serious risks with the baby and were given a list of possible outcomes. 

I remember sitting in the doctors office thinking maybe Rylan would be our only child. I felt so very grateful for him and my role as a mother, but at the time with all the raw emotion, the thought was heart breaking. I knew I wanted more.

So we prayed and fasted for a miracle and received it in the form of a perfect little red head.

3 and a half years later we felt it was time again to ask for a miracle. Again the doctors monitored us closely with the knowledge that the pregnancy was high risk and there could be complications. Again we were blessed with a perfect healthy baby. 

And here we are again. Praying for another miracle.

I remember someone I worked with at the gym saying to me, 'why would you EVER risk having more children when you know something could be wrong with the baby??' I thought about this for a long time. "Maybe we are asking too much?" "Maybe we should just be content with the children we already have".......lots of thoughts like this floating around. Lots of prayers offered to know the answers.

While in the temple that same week I had the strongest impression that "there is a spirit waiting for you, and it's ready to come NOW".

And then a  friend of mine had a baby with down syndrome. When I first met this beautiful little girl it was like her little spirit spoke directly to mine. I was so overcome with emotion and I knew in that moment as I looked at this precious baby, that regardless of 'high risk' factors and 'possible' outcomes, there was a baby waiting to join our family. We just had to trust, have faith and be prepared.

The above quote was a beautiful reminder that through believing and acting, miracles happen. Everyday. Even when we think they are impossible. Sometimes we just have to wait longer than we'd like to receive them.

5 weeks 1 day. I think I feel ready :) 

conversations with a 5 year old

 

Z: goodnight Mum

 

M: goodnight Zahnny, love you to 'infinity and beyond'.....

Z: well I LOVE junk food to 'infinity times a billion'

M: Junk food?? What about me??

Z: well I love you um......88.

M: 88??? WHAT???

Z: OK fine then.....I love you to infinity. but not times a billion. 

I guess that's better than 88. Even if he does love junk food more than me :)

The bump

The boys 'get' that soon there will be a new little baby in our home. A real baby. Not just an eternal bump in my tummy we call baby (thank goodness :). They understand what it all means and what's coming. 

Jasmin on the other hand.....i'm not sure how much she really understands. She calls my tummy 'baby seester'. She kisses it. Cuddles it. Talks about how the baby is 'crying' and we need to "ssshhhhh" and even tells people "baby, hobitu (hospital) out soon".......but translating all that into a real baby will be here soon......hmmm not so sure.

So this morning Jazzy and I were sitting together with the bump exposed talking to "seester". Usually baby's extreme movements are saved for late at night (you know that crazy awake time after the baby is born when you desperately want to sleep between 9pm and midnight and the baby is wide awake - well yeah that pattern is already establishing its self :) but this morning she was happily moving and kicking around.

Jazzy was excitedly touching my tummy when all of a sudden she not only saw my tummy move but she felt the baby move. This was a first for her. 

It was so funny watching her face. At first she pulled back a little shocked and looked at me like 'what was that' but then when it happened again it sent her into little fits of laughter. Everytime was the same. A little surprised at first, followed by laughter. So we spent the next 20 minutes sitting there watching and laughing. So.ridiculously.cute. I loved it! And I love her :)

Maybe this helped her understanding. Just a little. I loved listening to her relay the story to everyone we then saw or spoke to. "baby move. arf (laugh) mummy's tummy. funny".

If only we all had personal videographers (that weren't creepy :) following us around capturing all these beautiful little moments!

our Mothers

To our beautiful Mothers that gave us life and so so much more.....

We love you and can't express the gratitude we feel for everything you have taught us, everything you continually do for us and for the wonderful Women that you both are. Above all we are grateful for the friendships that we share with you.

xo

We hope you both had a Happy Mothers day!!

Mothers Day

In my work and throughout my life I have often been exposed to the more tragic examples of parenting. So Mother’s Day is, without a doubt, the day I appreciate Felicity more than any other. As a mother, there is definitely something special about Felicity. I know there are lots of other great mothers out there, I had one myself, but I love Felicity’s focus on child rearing and the mother she is to our children.

Right from our dating I knew she would be a great mum. We even had parenting practice dates with Felicity’s then three year old sister to test this. It was certainly the first and foremost quality I was looking for in a wife.

I  witness every day the amount of time she spends thinking and learning about how to be an even better mother. Whether it is in our lengthy conversations about the children’s needs, speaking with the kid’s teachers, reading parenting books or analyzing herself and other parents. Even a large part of the ridiculous amount of time she spends on blogs is about parenting.

I love the traditions she’s started in our home. She has morning devotional (singing, quoting, reading and praying) every morning, spends individual ‘talk time’ with the children in bed at night and the ‘service’ and ‘best of the day’ questions we each answer at dinner time.

Even in the most trying times, when the frustrations have pushed her to boiling point, Felicity still remains aware of her interaction with the children. If a mistake is made, it will be fixed. And, perhaps to me that’s what sets her apart as a mother, is her self awareness and ability to constantly grow as a mother.

Of course Felicity’s influence as a mother also has that ripple effect within the family. It makes the children happy, helps me to be a better father and husband and makes me excited for our next baby and what the future holds for our family.

So Felicity, thank you. You know how much the children mean to me, so thank you for doing so much for their happiness.

Love Chad and our four kiddies.

p.s. I'm hoping this second celebrity guest blog will beat Felicity's 24 comments on the giveaway even if that means commenting myself.

Through his eyes

Sometimes it's hard to look at things from a different perspective. A different angle. A different point of view. 

To see something through someone else's eyes.

This is what Rylan saw when he looked at Zahn and I the other night. Not what I would have seen had I been taking a picture of this scene.

But now that I see it through his eyes, from his angle, I would'nt want it captured any other way.

Oh how I love the simple perspective of a child. A perspective that at times can be so different to that of an adult. 

I hope I can remind myself when misunderstanding next occurs, that our perspectives and 'angles' are different. I hope I can remember to see and understand what he sees. Who knows. Maybe i'll surprise myself and realise once again that it is his perspective that was better after all.

  

"I am not my body".....

I honestly have no words to describe how this clip makes me feel and the emotion it stirs when I watch it. 

If you haven't already seen it (or even if you have) you should watch it now and feel your spirit gravitate towards heaven and this most remarkable and inspiring woman. 

I am changed because of the words and gratitude 

this woman shares with the world.

Find YOU! Be YOU!

I know we're already a quarter of the way through the year but I find myself still thinking about what my aspirations are for the year ahead (besides growing a baby) and assessing what is really important to me. One of things I think about often is 'am I being true to who I am, and who I want to be??


Sometimes in this journey of Motherhood, and changing nappies and refereeing another fight, it's easy to get lost and forget who we are, as women and as individuals. Funnily enough though, I have learned that knowing who we are and putting our own desires aside for a time, while prioritising and Mothering, helps us truly find and become our best selves.



"Be you. Find you. Be happy with that"

Doesn't every woman want this. To be comfortable with who they are and happy with the choices they make. I love the fact that unlike the teenager years, there is a strong sense of self confidence that comes with Womanhood. I realise that 'finding ourselves' and being happy with who we are is a process that changes as we change. As we grow. As we learn.


I love being a Woman and a Mother!!! Anyone that knows me, knows this is true. I love bearing those titles and having this time at home with my 'babies'. (even if and when it's crazy - like today when Jasmin cried all day :) I know the day will come when I will have what may seem like unlimited time to do whatever it is I choose. My kids will be grown and nappies will be long gone. When that time comes, I'm pretty sure I won't look back and think 'I wish I was doing something else instead of enjoying that time with my kids'.

In saying that though, I also know how important it is to nurture and take care of ourselves. And that's the FIND YOU part. Finding the balance between doing things we are passionate about and taking care of our families. I know both of these things are important. Fulfilling and life enriching.

I think whatIi'm trying to say can be summed up in this quote that I love (and that I remind myself of when needed.......

"Women do not have to sacrifice personhood if they are mothers. They do not have to sacrifice motherhood in order to be persons. Liberation was meant to expand women's opportunities, not to limit them. The self-esteem that has been found in new pursuits can also be found in mothering"

Elaine Heffner

We can find ourselves and be true to that even while in the 'thick' of Mothering. It's true that when we serve we find the most Joy. This applies to serving our families too. Like I talked about HERE and HERE there is a time and a season in life for everything.


How grateful I am for my kids and for the things they teach me and the person they force HELP me to be :)


ps) not sure where the photos are originally from but I found them here.....

Feeling life

There was DEFINITE movement going on inside 'the bump' tonight! 19 weeks, 6 days.

Somehow this seems to make everything 'feel' much more real! VERY EXCITING!



photo courtesy of the 8 year old.

Talk time

I was recently reading in a blog that I frequent, that in the world of teenagers, there should be an unwritten law stating, "DRIVE TIME IS TALK TIME". Basically suggesting that parents should never miss a moment to connect with their teens and impart their words of wisdom, talk about life etc etc.


luckily we are still a few years off 'teenager-hood' in this household (which I am completely afraid of by the way) and although we do A LOT of talking about A LOT of things in the car, the conversation never gets too far, or too 'deep' without being interrupted (due to the almost 2 year old that also likes to TALK while we're driving :)

But we still do have 'talk time'. Just not in the car.

For us Bed time is talk time. Somewhere in the world of parental advise for 'younger kids' this should be stated in big bold fat letters!!!!!

It's funny cause this really kind of started accidentally. Rylan is our first child. and unlike our other 'trained' children, either Chad or I would lie down with him pretty much every night until he went to sleep. This lasted until he was about 6.

So by age 6 Rylan had started school and when we would lie down together at the end of the day it always inevitably resulted in a few minutes of talking!

AND MY OH MY I can't tell you all the things that started 'spilling out' of this boy.

After being at school for a while he started asking all kinds of questions. Questions about 'this word' and 'that word' (some more shocking than others). Questions about friends. Questions about right and wrong etc etc. Our chats are now often still about friends and apparently a time for him to confess whatever it is he thinks he needs to confess.

So this has become our little opportunity to talk about 'life' and all things relating to the musings of a young boys mind.

Sadly we haven't done this much lately. The climb up his ladder to the top bunk has seemed like a rather extreme activity - and then i've got to ackwardly climb back down when i'm all relaxed and sleepy......but i digress.....

Now that's he's a little older I'm pretty sure that he's catching onto the fact that when we lie down together, there's just some things i'll ask and talk about and there are just some things he'll say. (to illustrate this point a couple of months ago he said "mum tonight can we just talk about pokemon"......and so we did :) but not without me sneaking in a few 'questions' about school and friends first :)

Like I said before, teenagers scare me. Maybe girls more than boys. But I do worry about communication with boys. Let's face it, when Rylans 16, I can't imagine that we'll be lying down together having little chats before he falls asleep????? (I imagine it more like sitting on the end of the bed chatting ?? but then do 16 years old boys even let their parents in their rooms???? And even talk to them????

I hope so! And if I'm too uncool by then hopefully Chad will be granted access to his room :)


I often hear that now is the time to create open communication with children. That way, by the time the 'terrible teenager' years arrive, TALK TIME is something that is already established. something they are already comfortable with. Something they already do. Man I feel a LOT of pressure about this. AND I often feel guilty if I don't feel like we're doing it often enough..... like at the moment!

Luckily we're still 5 years off teenager-hood around here, so hopefully there's still plenty of time to TRY and establish good habits for 'talk time' and confessions of a teenage soul :)

deprived and reconciliation

Until Thursday, this boy thought he was somewhat 'deprived' because he'd never had a double scoop ice-cream.

But after his 'surprise' lunch during school he no longer feels that way!



I loved seeing his little face light up when it was revealed we were 'running away' together for the lunch break.



After ice-cream, sushi and a little time together all feels right again!

(AND i'm pleased to report there was NO complaining while practicing the piano this morning :)

Re-visiting Patience

Last week in relief society one of the things we talked about was patience. At the time I was thinking to myself "yeah i'm doing pretty good with this 'word'.......

But.

As of Monday morning all that changed. Isn't it funny how life has a way of humbling us sometimes.

I have to say the last 3 mornings before school I have felt anything but patience. And then I get all guilty (this really eats me up) and I feel bad that i've been short tempered with the kids (one boy in particular - who for privacy reasons will remain nameless). My lack of patience seems to reach it's peak around 7:15am when the 'nameless' child is meant to practicing the piano (love that boy :)

When our piano teacher asked me this week if I was interested in having the 'non piano playing boy' start taking lessons (who will also remain nameless to protect the first child's anonymity :) I politely smiled and said "I don't think i'm ready to help 2 boys practice just yet. not this week anyway. Oh did I just say me. I meant I don't think HE'S ready just yet" :)

SO. In spite of all this lack of patience and somewhat frustrating feelings i've been having, (some of which are likely related to pregnancy and lack of sleep and not just said child's behavior) I've been trying really hard to focus on the things that these little boys do do (nameless child again in particular). And even though piano practice has seemed a little torturous the last few days, this boy goes to school everyday with almost everything on his 'morning chart' done. He rarely misses one tick in those little boxes (i'm going back to last year too :)

So instead of feeling frustrated i'm going to TRY really hard to remember all the good things this boy does and the GREAT things there are about him. Because there are many. So very many things. And after all he is only....oh wait, if I tell you his age that would give away who it is :)....he is only a kid! And all the good things he does, SO FAR out way the things that are currently frustrating. And I know the frustration won't last. He practiced piano again tonight and did his homework without complaint. getting better already!!

Even as I write this, I realise I can't really complain. The hair I've pulled out this week around that 7:15 am time will grow back. AND we've introduced "friends Wednesday" around here (more about that to come) which is sure to motivate this boy of mine.


POST SCRIPT: The above pic has nothing to do with any mentioned or unmentioned child in this post. It's just a pic of me and a boy I LOVE! A LOT! :)

Actually, I think I'm going to go and kiss that sleeping child and whisper to him that I love him. I hope somehow he hears it.

a little ray of sunshine........

"has come into the world. A little ray of sunshine in the shape of a girl"......(go on you know you want to sing along!

WARNING - this blog entry may be a little (or a lot) 'sappy'. But all the words contained herein are true. And today I will share them.

I know that every mother is partial to their own children. I am obviously no exception to this fact. But honestly, how did I ever live without this gir l(even with her crazy 'banshee' sounds and little tantys that she's started having. I completely ADORE her funny little personality and her gorgeous chubby face! We are all so in LOVE with her.

I can still remember the anticipation I felt waiting for her to arrive. I remember having her and bringing her home. These memories are so vivid that I can't believe it was 12 months ago. That's right 12 months. On Monday our girl turns 1!

I can still remember the happiness I felt when I brought her home. In the days and weeks that followed her arrival, despite the exhaustion of new motherhood i thought i would feel, I seriously felt overcome with a sort of contentment for life. What can I say. The girl just makes me happy! very happy! (yes. happy. despite the agony of feeding her - seriously this girls petite little mouth would open like she was about to drink from a straw.....and we all know that was NOT the case...I'm grimacing now just remembering, but i digress). I would look at her perfect little face and feel overwhelmed with this new little love of mine. I had a daughter.

I knew we would all love her but i had no idea the impact she would have on our little family. or the impact she would have on me. I didn't understand the bond I would feel with her. I didn't know that I would love her the way, and as much as I do. Maybe it's because she's like me. A little daughter of God that is trusted to my care to teach her how to be a Woman. A Mother. A Wife.

I love that people love Jasmin. I love that her little eyes light up and communicate with everyone who looks at her. I love that she waves and smiles at everyone. I love that wherever we go people stop and comment about her. talk to her. smile at her. adore her.

I'm so grateful to be the mother of this happy little girl!!!!

Goals.....

We are now in February and I still haven't 'actually' written down my goals for this year (and you know what they say about 'writing it down') so this will have to act as the official 'recording of my goals'.

I think that ONE word really sums up everything I want to achieve this year (in fact this word is appropriate for me, every year.......past, present and possibly future).......the word is DISCIPLINE!!!! ahhhh sigh! When I think about the things I want to improve in my life and the things I want to change, it really does all come down to discipline! I recently read a quote that said something along the lines of, being committed to something is NOT about convenience it's about discipline! (how true this is for me).

There are lots of things I have reflected on while setting my goals and assessing "where I'm at" for this year. How committed I am, being focused, (I am constantly telling my kids to focus on 'one' thing at a time) Being organised.......just to mention a few but once again DISCIPLINE seems to cover everything I 'want' and the things that are MOST important.

So lately I have felt torn about "what I want to do, or should be doing".......now that Jasmin is nearly 1 (I know can you believe it) and not so 'attatched' (if ya get what I mean) should I spend more time doing photography and get back into doing weddings..........should I go back to teaching at the gym because I love it (and I need it :)......should I 'scrub' up on photoshop and do editing from home at night etc etc......basically I have been pressuring myself that now that I don't have a 'newborn' and I'm feeling so "free" (used very loosely) I should be 'multi tasking' my life and doing 'things' that I love, that are 'child friendly' and don't 'take me 'away' from my kids.

So I was thinking about this trying to 'make a descision' on what I would throw myself into wholeheartedly, when I suddenly (and it was quite sudden) I remembered one of my favourite quotes by Richard G Scott....

""there are so many fascinating, exciting things to do and so many challenges pressing down upon us that it is hard to keep FOCUSED on that which is essential? When things of the world crowd in, all too often the wrong things take highest priority. Then it is easy to forget the fundamental purpose of life. Satan has a powerful tool to use against good people. It is distraction. He would have good people fill life with 'GOOD THINGS' so there is no room for the essential ones".........

I am one who is easily distracted (to this Chad would say "oh yes") and I realised that all the things i've been thinking about doing are all 'good' things. they are all great things. things that I LOVE. but they are NOT the most important things!!! So are these the things I should be throwing myself "wholeheartedly" into??

Ok this is getting WAY too long - i will get to the point

What is best for me (at this stage of my life) is my family. As Chad has often reminded me, there is a time and a season for everything. I can always go back to teaching at the gym. I will always have photography or whatever it is, but my focus NOW needs to be on the 4 people I love the most in this world! My kids need me. They need me to play with them. to talk to them.......to read to them.....to just be with them......and not just in 'body' (as in doing things around them - like photo editing) but to completely involve myself with them.......I want them to look back and remember having a 'life with me' and not just living with me!!

I am so blessed to be the 'mother of my 'children'. I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH......I can't even believe how much.......(so much so that I think i want another baby already - i know shock horror - not the words you thought you would hear me say for another year or so........AT LEAST......but that's a whole 'other' story that I won't go into now......)

So this year I am going to choose what I think is BEST not just good, and i'm going to DISCIPLINE myself to make the changes and improvements that I need and want......and I am going to WHOLE HEARTEDLY - without regret - throw myself into this stage of my life and SIMPLY enjoy every minute I have with my BEAUTIFUL FAMILY!!